Jeff here…. wow, long time since anyone has written anything on this blog! We’ll update later on life and all the curves we have been on, but I wanted to write one quick note and then my Sex Advice For Couples thought of the day.
First, this blog will take a slightly more Christian tone than expected. Don’t worry, I won’t be shoving Jesus down your throat! But I will make some references to what the Bible says about sex (and it says a lot more than what you think). Not every post will be like this, though. But I believe the good book has some helpful thoughts on how to have an incredible sex life.
With that out of the way, let me start with this:
Don’t be just a spouse. Be a lover.
We’re solidly in our 30′s now, and it is all too easy to just go through the motions. Sure, you may be having sex several times a week, but are you just meeting a need or really being a lover to them?
In other words, are you in touch with what they really want from you?
I thinking of the difference between a lover and a spouse, this is what I’ve come up with.
A spouse is your married partner. They are the ones you should commit to. As a spouse you share in the duties of the household. Within the bedroom, you try to meet your marital obligations by engaging in sex. I’ll leave out other things because, well, they really do not matter to this blog.
A lover should be your spouse (or you). As a lover, you should look to energize your spouse’s sexual energy. If you are a true lover, you go beyond just meeting a need to really finding out what their desire is and meeting it too. You pursue your spouse. Just because you are married does not mean that the feelings you had during courtship should disappear, or the feelings you had as newlyweds should diminish. Your spouse should in return become a lover to you, both of you doing whatever it takes to fulfill everything for each other sexually.
Interestingly enough, Paul agrees in the Bible. He says two interesting things in 1st Chorinthians chapter 7
1. A husbands duty is to meet all his wife’s sexual needs, and a wife should meet all her husband’s sexual needs. 2. A husband’s body belongs to the wife, and a wife’s body belongs to a husbands.
Now, Paul himself never married. He chose to stay single and celibate. I’ll say (in a non-blasphemous tone) that he was missing out! But I digress….
According to the Bible, our bodies are meant for the pleasure of our spouse. I don’t recall anything in scripture where anything other than the best should be given. So why do we, and especially Christians, limit themselves in the bedroom? It has never made sense to me.
I know that for me, my #1 goal is to be such an energizing lover that Cindy would end up with nearly the same sex drive as I have. I want her to experience sex and orgasms and connection with each other so powerful during our sex romps that she’ll desire them the same way I desire them. I know that this starts for her outside of the bedroom, but that’s okay.
I don’t mind being the complete package, not just the one that gets her screaming with pleasure between the sheets.
Being a lover is really difficult for both men and women, though, especially in the early-mid stages of life. Having 3 kids and all that entails keeps us all really busy. Cindy’s tired. I work long hours. Kids get sick. Disagreements over this and that pop up (good opportunity for make up sex, but again, I digress).
But to be a really good lover, you have to put effort into it
Men, treat your wife like she is more than just someone there to get your rocks off. She’s a woman. She’s beautiful. She is who you desire (and only her). Let her know this. Just because you are married does not mean you do not have to continually court her. Write her love notes about this. Find out what her sexual fantasies and turn-ons are and do them. I know Cindy is more reluctant to share these, or has limited things, but that’s okay.
Do them. Make sex a priority (real hard tasks, I know) but take it one step further and make 2 or more nights a priority for her needs to be met before yours are. Surprise her with stuff that excites here, both inside the bedroom and outside. In short, make an effort for her to feel special to you. Appeal to her emotional and physical needs.
Women, first, don’t deprive your men
If they have a high drive, do as much as you can. And never be afraid to go the extra step. Be flirty with him. Send him text describing what you want from him that night (even if it is for you, just promise to repay the favor). Talk about what you love about him, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Inflate his ego a bit. There is nothing wrong with you making your man feel good about what he does for you and your family.
Remember that men get turned on by three major things: Physical (touch), visual, and ego. Appeal to all three. Find out what he wants from you sexually, and give it to him. As long as it does not demean you or break your marriage convanent, all things should be good.
But with both, do all of this with some authenticity
Don’t do this and not mean it. Really get into it. Seriously, what is the worst thing that could happen? Worst case scenario is you do all of this and get nothing in return. At that point, this goes beyond sex advice and moves into marriage counseling. But my guess is if you do this and get nothing in return, you really weren’t getting anything to begin with. This is a post for spouses to read together and implement. And if only one reads it and does it, you may be surprised the response you get.
But be real.
And have lots of great sex while doing all of this. Hope you enjoyed my thoughts today!